If I were the producer of "YOU WILL MEET A TALL DARK STRANGER"

Jam 10 pagi. Gue lagi maen ALIEN SHOOTER di PC kantor. Lalu ada bunyi ketukan pintu, dan seseorang masuk ke ruangan gue. 

Woody Allen rupanya. Ia datang membawa sebuah naskah, rupanya ia baru menulis film terbarunya. Ia meletakkannya di meja untuk gue baca. Sebelum gue membuka halaman pertama, gue bisa melihat judulnya di halaman cover, "YOU WILL MEET A TALL DARK STRANGER"

Gue (G) : "Dark?"
Woody (W) : "uh... what?"
G : ".......   You mean, black? Right?"
W : "No, dark as in, you know, umm... not-so-whitey?"
G : "...So it's black"
W : "Well.... Not like those... umm... Hip-hop people...      What I mean is ..." (mulai kesel)
G : "Oh, so we're referring them as 'hip-hop people' now? How about rapper dudes or basketball players or gangsters-who-aim-sideways or KFC-cults or people-who-drive-Cadillac-Escalade-with-overkill-sound-systems?"
W : "Ah, whatever.... Look, why don't you just start reading the script. You'll know what I mean..."

Aim sideways

G : (membaca naskah)

G: "Wait... so this is not a thriller-genre movie?"
W : "Huh? Of course not"
G : "This, tall dark stranger is not supposed to be a psychotic serial killer who killed all of his victim with chainsaw or sledge hammer or carrots?"
W : "No... But... What do you mean by..... and how the fuck... do you kill someone with a carrot?"
G : "Trust me, I've seen one"
W : "Well, this is NOT a thriller okay? Now please, read them all won't you?"

Clive Owen can do it

G : (lanjut baca naskah)

G : "This sucks, dude..."
W : "What? Why?"
G : "Failed marriage? Opera dates? Old-man flirting? Geez... C'mon man.... There aren't any martial-arts fighting or exploding cars? No blood and decapitation? No main character entering the room and pulling a shotgun from a box of roses?"
W : (mulai mikir "Why the fuck did I choose this asshole as my producer?")

No kungfu fighting? Sucks...

G : "The only thing that can save this movie is that if we have great actors and actress in it. Like what they usually do in Indonesian movies. Covering cheap-ass plot with nice-looking or talented-senior players."
W : "Why, sure.. I'm actually thinking of Hopkins, Banderas, Naomi Watts, Freida Pinto, and maybe that bad guy from Wall Street 2... umm.. Josh Brolin, and... Hey, did you just call my script 'cheap-ass' ?"
G : "No, no... I mean people like Dwayne Johnson or John Cena or Steve Austin..."
W : "So what you mean by 'great actors' are all ex-smackdown wrestlers? Okay that's it... I'm outta here..."

Legendary actor

(lalu Woody Allen beralih pada produser Letty Aronson dkk sehingga tak lama kemudian, film "YOU WILL MEET A TALL DARK STRANGER" ditayangkan di bioskop seluruh dunia...)