GUIDE ON HOW TO IMPALE SOMEONE

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Many thanks to Diaz, Abied, Tape, and Errik...
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Because of the people who wanted to impale me due this recent article, it gave me inspiration to write something about IMPALEMENT...

For most of you who haven't know it yet, "IMPALE" is an ancient method of torture or execution which involves a person being penetrated with a long stake. The penetration could be through the sides, the mouth, or the rectum (most preferable). This method leads to a painful death, sometimes taking days. The stake would often be planted in the ground, leaving the impaled person suspended to die. (taken from wikipedia)

You cannot discuss about impalement without mentioning VLAD III THE IMPALER. This badass is so terrifying that he became the inspiration of the fictional Dracula character. The rest of the history will be left for you to google it yourself...

Vlad III The Impaler

As democracy and human rights prevailed over medieval awesomeness, this method had long been forgotten. But don't you ever wished of using sadistic method as a capital punishment for corruptors, drug dealers, child rapers, illegal parking officers, or maybe someone who crashed onto your car ? If so, this is the guide for you...

For the impaling stake, the tradition was to use a long wooden stake with a blunt end (to maximize the pain). In the case of no wooden stakes available, you may use a flagpole or a strong chinese bamboo. I recommend flagpole for beginners. Panjatpinang pole may also be used, but due to the difficulties, I recommend that only for experts...

Here is the instructions : Place the flagpole stationary at a horizontal position, make sure the flag has been removed or it may block the penetration (you may attach it later). Now for the victim, make sure he is still alive when you do this, otherwise the punishment will have no effect. Tie the victim's feet onto two separate horses like the picture below :

Nowadays, you can replace the horses with YAMAHA RX-KINGs. Then run the horses (RX-Kings) to perform the penetration. Do this until the flagpole goes through the victim (it may come out of his mouth). Stop the horses (RX-Kings) and untie the victim's feet. Voila, the penetration is done !!!

Note that this can also be done in reverse, The victim is held stationary, while the flagpole is dragged by the horses (RX-Kings) to be inserted into the victim's rectum...


Next, you might want to erect the pole as a monument of your personal achievement. If you want to impale multiple victims, you can use them to decorate your garden. Consult your exterior designer for the best stake formations. They may also be used as a fence...







Oh, say can you seeeee.....

Thieves will be scared shitless...

Another tips : If you're on the urge to punish a lot of people, but are running low on funds and materials, you can try to impale multiple victims using one flagpole. This is also called the "Totem" impalement method...

The "Totem" method